Why Get Married? The 21st Century Marriage Rituals and Ceremonies Marriage Means More to This Generation of Australians Than Ever

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Why Get Married?

We Don’t Have to Get Married, but, Against All Odds, We Still Want To. Marriage Means More to This Generation of Australians Than Ever.

These days some couples say two kids and a mortgage are enough to show they are committed to each other (a la Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt); but a massive number of romantics still walk down the aisle each year. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, there were 114222 registered marriages in 2006, representing an increase of 4899 (4.5%) from 2005. This is the highest number of registrations since 1999. If we don’t need to get married to be together, why do we still perform this elaborate ritual?

Ye Olde Wedding Tale
Once upon a time, in a freezing cold Celtic village, a farmer realised he wasn’t getting any younger and he would need a son or three to help him out with the pigs and horses … he needed a wife. But there were no unmarried girls of child-bearing years in his village.

So one day the farmer grabbed his best mate and took off on horseback into a neighbouring village. Once there, the farmer snatched up the youngest maiden of The farmer had arranged for his village priest to be ready, so he rode straight to the church and dragged his bride to the altar. The best mate followed and stood with sword drawn - ready to fend off the girl’s distraught fiancé and relatives.

After the brief nuptials, the groom grabbed his new wife and rode off into the forest to a secret cave, where he got her drunk on honey mead wine, and had his way with her under the full moon.

The newlyweds stayed in the cave for a month drinking honey mead and getting to know each other, and by the time the moon was full again the girl was pregnant. The marriage deal was sealed!

The End.

Bride and Groom Proposal

The 21st Century Marriage
In the Western world, well certainly here in Australia, marriage is not what it used to be. Gone are the days when a girl was sold off by dad so he had one less mouth to feed. Gone are the days when your only chance to leave home was to enter into the marital state. Gone are the days when you only got to third base on your wedding night... and gone are the days when moving in together meant signing a contract for life.

Today we are choosing to marry for a whole new set of practical reasons, as well as to honour tradition and to make a bold, romantic statement.

The Happiness Generation
According to Anne Hollonds, CEO of Relationships Australia, young adults in the 21st century are taking marriage very seriously: "They are highly educated - they stay in school longer and marry later. They are also very individualistic. There is an emphasis on achieving personal goals, and on ’being happy’; where in the old days a woman would say ’I just want to get married and have kids’.

Along with high expectations for career and for wellbeing, this generation want to make the most of their relationships. Says Hollonds: "If they decide to get married they are going to "do it properly" and have the best marriage possible. The parents of this generation divorced in large numbers, so they’ve seen directly the negative effects of divorce, and they don’t want it to happen to them."

A double edged sword
n divorced in large numbers, so they’ve seen directly the negative effects of divorce, and they don’t want it to happen to them."While it’s true that divorce made life painful for many families of the last few generations, the lessons learned are not all bad. In their lifetimes, young people have seen the kinds of relationships that don’t work, fall apart; but they have also seen the relationships that do work - and watched them flourish and survive! With a new perspective, this generation are taking their time to find the right partner, and to work on their relationships, forming a partnership before committing to marriage.

The importance of partnership
Today’s singles have the luxury of being able to test out a few potential relationships. According to Anne Hollonds, the "soulmate" idea can make some of us too picky about our partners, but there is one proven formula to fall back on. Hollonds explains: "Your relationship will work if there is a friendship at the heart of it, if you share similar values and have some way of resolving conflicts through effective communication."

"Falling in love is one thing," says Hollonds, "that amazing romantic attraction that gets you together - but that does not mean you have a partnership. A true partnership is where you’re not just there as an individual looking out for your own interests. Some of the time you have to look out for the other person and put aside your own needs. This is teamwork. It’s how the two of you contribute to your partnership that will make you happy."

Hollonds warns against throwing away love when the going gets tough: "Love is fantastic - don’t waste it by not investing in creating a partnership out of it."

What more could you do to safeguard against divorce?

Relationship skills = true security

Anne Hollonds advises: "Don’t gamble on just being able to survive on love - the feeling comes and goes and comes and goes. Don’t panic when the ’love’ feeling isn’t there - you have to build something that keeps you going despite that, and this requires skill and knowledge. Be proactive. Ask yourself: ’how can I enhance my chances of success?’"

There are lots of things you can do to become good at having a relationship. Just like getting a personal trainer when you want to get fit, if you want to fine-tune your love life, you can get coaching. This will ensure your efforts are as effective as possible.

Says Hollonds: "we need a guiding hand in this era. You can’t have a successful business career without education. Don’t assume you are naturally good at relationships either - you can always get better. Build on your strengths and address your weaknesses - improve your communication techniques."

It’s well worth doing some extra work on yourself. According to Hollonds, research shows that nothing affects your happiness more than the quality of your relationships. "A good relationship leads to better emotional and physical wellbeing, makes you more productive at work and even helps you live longer."

The nesting test

These days more than 75 percent of Australian couples have lived together, or cohabitated, before they walk down the aisle. Living together as a couple is one surefire way to find out if your relationship has potential as a partnership. And while living together may feel like a huge commitment, marriage and living together are two different things.

Simone, 30: "Getting married can wait - live together first. Love is just love, but marriage is a partnership and requires smart thinking and a level head. It’s not simply about declaring your love for someone. It’s about sharing goals, sharing financial investments and sharing decisions. Living together is fun and doesn’t require you to completely agree on everything just yet. It allows you the opportunity to establish housework relationships, bill payment and management, stress management and all that stuff that can make or break a relationship."

Katrina, 31: "It’s definitely good to live together first, even if it’s just a really long holiday where you’re living in each other’s pockets. It’s the only way to get to know someone warts and all. And isn’t that what love is all about?"

Lee, 25: "You need to know you’re compatible and can live together before you decide to be with someone for the rest of your life."

Why isn’t living together enough?
Emma, 33: "Living together can work too, but getting married is a public declaration that you’re moving in the same direction. I do think there’s a certain stability and security in marriage, even if it is ’just a piece of paper’."

Anne Hollonds: "People drift into living together very easily and no-one raises an eyebrow. But marriage represents a set of decisions the couple have made about the future, and gives the relationship more weight."

Natasha, 38: "I would have said living together was enough - until my boyfriend proposed. I never especially dreamed of marriage, though nowthat I’ve done it, I’m very committed to staying together forever and love the idea of growing old together with shared experiences."

Jason, 36: "Marriage for sure. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t imagine living with someone and then not marrying them... I don’t think marriage ’ruins’ anything. It just gets better. "

When should you get married?

It doesn’t matter how long the couples of this generation have known each other or how much work they’ve done on their partnership. Each couple has their own timeframe when it comes to getting married. Sometimes family and friends just have to wait!

Samantha, 33: "You get married if you’re ready, if you’re 100 per cent sure you want to start a life with this person and have their children, and you’re really ready for a committed partnership."

Rebecca, 35: "I think it depends on how long you have been together and how comfortable you are in your relationship. Some people get married after a year whilst others (like myself) live together for eight years and then decide it is the right time. It totally depends on the couple and the stage of life they’re up to."

Mark, 36: "Wanting to get married should never be associated with a timeline. If you feel in your heart that you have found someone you can relate to, commit to, lust after, grow with and trust with your life, then perhaps you should put it in writing. This can happen after a few years or a few months, and if you know yourself, you will feel when the time is right."

Rituals and ceremonies
The wedding ceremony itself is a social ritual with universal significance, but for the post-divorce generation there is an added element of defiant romanticism about having a big white wedding. This rebellious attitude that used to belong to forbidden love and elopements - now it’s brides in white and grooms in tuxedos who are saying: "who cares what the world thinks, we are in love!"

According to Clinical Psychologist John Message, "Marriage is a victory of dreams over common sense, imagination over rationality, desire over resistance."

Says Anne Hollonds: "These rituals satisfy a need to strike out in a bold way and say I’m proud of this relationship - it’s worth marrying for! On the one hand a traditional wedding is a conservative ritual, and on the other hand it is optimistic. The couple are saying ’Stuff the divorce rate. That’s not going to happen to us - we’re going to set up a wonderful life and ’Do it properly’. It’s fantastic that we’re still embracing the energy of new love."

Images from top to bottom:
Xsight Photography & Video
Sabino Mena Barreto
Melodi T.